Many people hang in limbo for a while.
They’re afraid to admit that leaving might be the best option. It comes with so many unknowns and perhaps shame.
But they also cannot imagine staying in a relationship like this forever. This seems like an unfair, bleak option.
At this point, action is needed. Action to help you make a decision. Action to get you moving in one direction rather than hanging in limbo, without any sense peace.
Here are some tips I have learned that help with tipping that scale, both in my own experience and through watching other women make these hard choices. The best part: you don’t have to make a decision to leave in order to take these actions:
Therapy: Most people I’ve talked to have already started or tried therapy of some kind with their partner. And usually that therapy tells a lot. If you haven’t tried it, either on your own or as a couple, I encourage it. But with one caveat: doing therapy with an abusive partner can actually be damaging. Please do some digging to decide if your relationship includes abuse (if you’re here, I’m guessing it does), because if that’s the case, I would only encourage therapy on your own.
Talk to a Lawyer: Many times, there are fears around finances and children. While there is some truth to those fears, often times they are blown out of proportion by our imagination. That’s why it’s good to get the advice of a lawyer. Many law offices offer a short, free consultation regarding the divorce process. Find someone who will do this with you. Ask them those burning questions around finances, housing, children, and start to dispel those myths you have created in your mind. Gather important information that you’ll need to make a transition out of your marriage as safe, smart, and as peaceful as possible.
Open a bank account: This is a small step in gaining independence, whether or not you choose to leave. Having a bank account handy is critical if you do choose to eventually move out. Make sure this account isn’t connected to your partner’s name. And also keep an eye out for any welcome materials that may be sent to you, especially in cases where your partner is monitoring you and your mail.
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Read: The book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. This book lays out more black and white questions to ask yourself about your relationship. It will help you make the decision on staying or leaving, helping to pull you out of that place of limbo.
Have an Emergency Plan: Oftentimes, just having a plan in place creates a bit more calm in your mind, whether or not you intend to leave anytime soon. Make sure a couple trusted people around you know what you’re going through and know how to reach you in an emergency.
If you’re reading this, chances are you may need to make a quick or quiet escape from your relationship. As part of your planning, you might start deciding what items in your house are important. You may start getting rid of things around the house that you don’t need or placing important items in safe-keeping if you’re worried about them being destroyed.
Take this Quiz: If you think you’re in an abusive relationship, take this quiz. It will give you the language to describe what you’ve been going through and help you clarify why you’re considering leaving and why you deserve better.
Would you add anything else to this list? What helped you?