I’ve had multiple women reach out lately on Instagram asking for tips to help someone they love who is stuck in an unhealthy relationship.
First of all, I’m so grateful for them.
And second, I know how important these friendships are.
When my relationship hit its peak of chaos, before I had decided to leave, I felt like I had no where to turn.
-My “happily” married friends didn’t get it.
-My family wasn’t understanding the gravity.
-My single friends would never relate.
So at work one day, I walked to the office next door to mine. I knew the woman, maybe a decade older than me, had just been through divorce. I knew her relationship hadn’t been good, but we had never talked too intimately about the details.
I sat down in the chair where her students normally sat, and told her I didn’t know what to do.
And she gave me her lawyer’s name.
-No questioning me.
-No prying for the details.
-No convincing me to leave.
Just a nudge that I had permission to take action.
A concrete step to talk to a lawyer.
I didn’t have to get divorced. But I needed to ask the questions. I could take my own time. But I needed to DO something.
I was handed a name. The name of the lawyer who would, in 3 more years, walk beside me into the court room as I prepared to face a judge and fight for my case.
I didn’t have people approach me to help me out of my relationship. But knowing there are people out there who want to help others who are in similar shoes fills me up.
So here are some tips and resources for those of you wanting to help but having no idea where to start. What words to say and what words NOT to say, what to expect, and resources for you and your friend.
What to Say/Not Say
Always support the Victim
- Don’t question your friend’s actions. Don’t try find a reason for why their partner is toxic or abusive. Don’t ask what your friend did that started the fight, the yelling, etc. Support your friend. If they get the sense that you are questioning their story or siding with their partner, you’ll lose any chance at supporting your friend and may just drive them deeper in to their abusive relationship if they get the feeling that they are doing something wrong.
- Don’t give your friend advice for how to fix their marriage. Chances are they have tried everything. They have looked at their relationship and felt like they were failing too in this relationship. They’ve tried talking to their partner, crying to them, going to counseling….don’t add more things for them to do. They’ve done enough. If their relationship has come to the point that you notice how bad it is, chances are it’s even worse behind closed doors and there is nothing your friend can do to “fix” what their partner is choosing to do to them.
- Be concrete and straightforward with what you wish for your friend. Tell them they deserve a peaceful love. A partner who cares deeply about them. A partner who doesn’t call them names, hit, or ignore them. A partner who doesn’t control the money.
- Don’t offer an ultimatum. If you’re willing to say that you won’t talk to them if they don’t leave, then you’re not the friend they need right now. They’ll probably choose to stop talking to you instead.
Don’t Compare Your Partner to Theirs
- Never ever try to normalize what is happening in their relationship. Be really careful here. There are many ways, in our culture, that women complain about their spouses. It’s extremely normalized and assumed to be part of any relationship. Never ever compare your relationship to theirs. Don’t nod your head and say your spouse gets mad too when….or that you also go to Target to avoid going home…their situation is very different. Here’s a reel I did a while back talking about this. It gained a lot of traction from other women who were in abusive relationships too, and it may help you understand why it’s so important to be cautious here.
Offer Actionable Steps
- So many people are willing to listen, but not many can offer concrete steps. I needed that, and so do women in these situations. Ask your friend what conversation they want to be having in 6 months to a year with you. If it seems like they are open to hearing more about leaving, here are a few actionable ideas that you might share with your friend:
- Open a bank account: If you know your friend has combined finances with their partner, encouraging them to open a bank account (and offering them the $20-50 to open it) is a great step.
- Talk to a lawyer: Encourage them to reach out to a lawyer to ask those big, scary questions. Obstacles such as finances, custody, housing, etc. can be incredibly scary to think of, and may seem insurmountable. Most lawyers will offer a free, 30 minute consult for your friend to ask some of those burning questions and get a bit more clarity about their options. BONUS: Reach out to your network for a good lawyer and hand your friend their name.
- Here’s a blog post I wrote about deciding to leave. If your friend is unsure, encourage them to check it out.
Offer Permission
- It took people on the outside saying the words divorce, you’ve tried everything, abuse…for me to seriously consider the ideas. Without other people saying it out loud, I was took scared to consider it on my own. Offering your friend permission is one of the greatest gifts you can give. But remember, that’s different from telling them to do it. It’s not your job to convince them or make them leave. They may choose to stay. But you can still give permission.
What to Expect
Keep it Judgement Free
- Abuse will make someone do things they wouldn’t normally do. I’ve known women who yell, cheat, and even hit after enduring so much abuse. Don’t judge them for these things if you want to help. Acknowledge that they are in a difficult situation and they deserve better. Don’t fault them for these mistakes. Don’t ask them if they “saw” the signs earlier.
They May Not Trust You
- For many reasons, I didn’t trust anyone for advice who hadn’t walked in my shoes. Part of it was that I was so convinced that all marriages were like this. I thought everyone was walking around pretending their marriages were good while secretly enduring these things from their partner (turns out, a lot of women are, but that doesn’t make it okay). Because of that, it was hard for me to listen to people who hadn’t been through the same abuse or hadn’t chose to walk away because it got so difficult. If this seems to be the case, plug your friend in to a few communities that can offer another perspective. I’ve listed a few below in the resources.
Prepare for a Long Journey
- You don’t know where you’re meeting your friend in their journey. They may not be ready to think about divorce. They may not want to leave. They may leave and go back many times. You can’t control that. So buckle up. If you want to me a supportive friend, it’s not your job to fix them or convince them. It’s your job to remain judgment free, loving, and informed and to keep checking in when they decide to brush their problems under the rug. Be a listening ear. There is so much value in that.
Resources
Communities
Knowing other women who have been through something similar can be so incredibly supportive and uplifting. Connecting your friend to a good community of women is always a good plan.
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Speak Your Truth: Hands-down my favorite group is located on Facebook. It began after its founding member posted about leaving an abusive relationship and went viral. It’s a well-run group by a non-profit that works to support victims of domestic violence.
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Tiffany_Elise89: My instagram profile talks to women in unhealthy relationships. I share stories, reels, and tips over there, and am always happy to connect. BONUS! If your friend lives in Minnesota, I coordinate lunch pretty regularly with other divorced/co-parenting moms.
Learning Materials
There are so many great resources out there for you and your friend to learn from. Here are some of my favorites:
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BreatheDarling: This blog right here offers my stories, tips, and resources. I started this blog because I walked away from an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship and have since connected with so many other women like me. It is meant to resonate with women in unhealthy or abusive relationships.
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SpeakYourTruth.Today: This website has a quiz that helps someone determine if their relationship is abusive. It’s not just about physical abuse. It also will help you understand what constitutes abuse, so that you can better support your friend.
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SpeakYourTruth.Today: This website also has learning materials for YOU. If you’re interested in helping, learning more if always supportive. You can find the resources that make sense to read depending on the situation your loved one is in.
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Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: This is hands down the book someone should read if they are asking for your help deciding what they should do. It will help someone make the decision about whether staying or leaving is the better decision. (That’s an affiliate link. I may earn a small commission if you click and choose to purchase)
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