I’ve spent a lot of time figuring out what my boundaries are with my ex.
I have two young children who spend half their time with me and half their time with a father that holds many values and beliefs that go against every fiber of who I am as a parent.
And yet…I need to figure out how to parent my kids alongside him.
Here’s what I’ve learned in the 3+ years of “co-parenting” that I’ve done with him. While your experiences may be different, I hope you take something away from this that helps you as you journey into co-parenting.
- I learned quickly to release the expectations about what co-parenting should look like. You have to do what works for you and your family. Your plan will look different from every other family out there, and that’s okay. There isn’t one right way to co-parent. It takes time, but work on figuring out what your family needs. And remember, you can only control yourself, not your ex.
- I learned to limit my interactions. When you have an ex who actively dislikes you, you really have to limit your interactions with them. It does nobody any good to withstand his name-calling and blaming, whether that’s in person or over text. I avoid communication unless it’s necessary to communicate about the health and safety of our kids or a necessary change to the schedule.
- I learned to adjust my expectations. My ex is who he is. And while I wish he could do better, I can’t change him (I mean, if there was a time to change, it would have been when I was pregnant and begging him to be kind to me, right?) I’ve learned to see him for who he is and what he is capable of, and I don’t expect more. This saves me from being let down. Want a quick response from him? I have assumed it will take 24 hours to get any response from him about my kids. And when I get a response in 12 hours? Fucking WIN.
- I learned that “parallel-parenting” is a better plan for us. Co-parenting, while something I wish we could do, just isn’t in the cards for us. At least for now. So I’ve embraced the term parallel-parenting: we parent our children on our own terms, not as a team. Oh, how I desperately wish it could be different, but I’ve learned the hard way that it won’t be.
- I learned that just because they’re a parent, doesn’t mean they have your kids’ best interests in mind. I learned this the day I had to call the cops after he wouldn’t leave my home, took my phone, and called me “lying bitch” over and over while I held our sick son in my arms (our son wound up in the hospital the next morning because he could hardly breath, days after the lockdown in 2020).
- I learned to guard my home vigilantly. He has only stepped foot once into my house in the 3 years since that incident. My house will always be a place where I feel safe. Where there is only love. Where there is no yelling. His presence triggers me. I don’t trust him to be safe and kind. So he isn’t welcome in my home. I wish it didn’t take me calling the police to realize it was a boundary I could draw. I deserve peace and safety in my home, and I don’t have to wait for anyone to validate that boundary.
- I learned that just because it’s “fair” doesn’t mean it’s right. Fair in transporting our kids back and forth would be splitting the driving in half. But since the incident in 2020, I drive my kids to their dad’s and pick them up….twice per week, every week. I hate that I’m spending extra hours in the car to make this happen, but it’s worth it to keep my home safe and peaceful. He never has to drive to pick up or drop off the kids, and while that can feel unfair on the surface, it means a lot more peace for me.
- I learned I can’t change the way he parents my kids when it comes to the beliefs he instills in them during the time he has them. So long as he’s not doing anything criminally wrong, there’s really nothing I can do about the way he parents. I know that it’s up to me to model what love and kindness looks like for my kids. It’s up to me to get my kids into therapy to deal with the hard things they’re going through. It’s up to me to create a safe environment where my kids feel safe to express themselves and come to me with hard things. I’ll do the best I can, and I’ll release the fantasy of a a healthy co-parent who will do the same.
- I learned to count on myself financially. When he owes me for health care, childcare, and medical bills, I found out that he won’t pay me back in a reasonable matter. Case in point: February 2023, I just got paid for 11 months of health care coverage & bills from 2022. I wish it was different. And it’s possible I could take this back to court. But that’s not where I want to put my time and energy. So I always make sure I can pay the bills on my own because I never want to lean on him financially. I never want him to be able to control me in that way.
Our “co-parenting” relationship doesn’t look like what I thought it could be. Those of us who have been through toxic, abusive relationships can’t expect a healthy co-parenting relationship to magically appear.
Maybe your parenting relationship with your ex will look nothing like mine. But I hope that what I shared will inspire you to do what’s right to safeguard your peace and your well-being while releasing the expectations of how things should look .
Prioritize the health of you and your kids to the best of your abilities, and remember, you can only control yourself.