Being alone in your home without the normal loud chaos that our kids bring to daily life is a hard shift after divorce.
Our babies aren’t “supposed” to be apart from us.
And the guilt for “choosing” this can be overwhelming.
Those first times apart from my kids, my body and mind didn’t know what to do. My heart and soul weren’t sitting safely in my arms.
And while that feeling never fully goes away, it does get easier. I’m 2.5 years past leaving my relationship and sharing custody, and there are a handful of tips that have helped me through.
Divorce doesn’t have a script, and sharing custody doesn’t come with little booklet of directions. Every situation is different. Each child, each parent.
These tips may not work for everyone. We all have to figure out what works for ourselves, but I hope they at least inspire ideas or open up possibilities for anyone facing shared custody.
- Be Kind to yourself: If you’re just stepping into shared custody, the first step is just to be kind to yourself. Over and over again, repeat that mantra. Tape it on the wall if you need to. Being away from your kids can feel like your arm was just ripped off. An essential part of you is missing, and your body can feel that. So be good to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up because you’re not insanely productive. Instead, early on, focus on surrounding yourself with warm, joyful things. A favorite podcast, a show on Netflix, a good book, a bubble bath. This is not the time consume hard news from the media, painful movies, or tackle a massive project. Take it easy as you learn exactly what you need as you move forward with shared custody. And carry that advice with you forever. You always deserve kindness.
- Make a list: Make a list of every possible thing you want to do. And hell no, I’m not saying to start with work tasks or house projects. No…what you need on that list is the most basic tasks. Even the most basic needs had to be on my list because early on because it was hard to even organize my day around caring for myself. From showering, drinking coffee, stretching, putting the mail out… Make a list of the basics so you have something to guide you. To this day I cling to lists, even though those lists have changed. Without a list, I still often find myself spinning on those first days without my kiddos.
- No phone calls: Now, take this one with a grain of salt. If phone calls work for you and your kids, by all means go ahead and keep doing that. But I want to share how we operate in case it grants permission to someone else to step outside the norm. I learned pretty early on that phone calls made things harder for me and my kiddos. My kids would cry getting off the phone, and I would just worry about them even more than I already was. It also meant I had to communicate with my ex again. And I’ve learned to avoid that as much as I can (we’ll talk about gray rocking in another blog post). So we went away from phone calls. I still tell my kids that they are always welcome to call me, but they don’t. And that’s okay for us right now.
- Connect with people: I left a relationship that pulled me away from so many beautiful people in my life. Take this newfound time on your calendar to schedule that coffee date with your friend, go out to happy hour with coworkers, or head out on a walk with a new date. As soon as you or a friend says, “we should get together soon!” follow it up with, “What day works for you?” and get that date on the calendar. Let your people fill your cup. Reach out to family, send letters or quick texts of appreciation, schedule phone calls with friends you don’t talk to nearly enough…find ways to connect with the amazing, lovely people around you.
- Make a list of hobbies/projects: When I learned how much more time I would have “to myself” I realized that I could turn a bit of focus on my own needs and wants. We’re not used to that! It took a while, but I started to find smalls hobbies and projects that I wanted to work on. Now I turn to art and dance more than I ever have since high school. They don’t have to cost a lost of money, but start remembering the things that you love that help make you “YOU.” And turn to them during this time.
- Shift your work schedule: I know this won’t work for everyone, but I was working from home when I started 50/50 custody. I made a point to shift my schedule as much as possible so that I was getting the bulk of my work done when my kids were gone. I still work when my kids are with me, but I save the bigger stuff for when they’re gone. It gives me the extra mental space to give them more of myself when they’re with me. And honestly that’s just as much for my kids as for my own mom guilt.
- Create a Routine: I know this is vague, but pay attention to the things you want to build into a routine for yourself. I love my slow mornings, my delicious coffee, and time to stretch, reflect, and write in my planner. Each Friday I dance at the dance studio, and each week I find time to head to a coffee shop for work. Find small things to add to your routine that you will look forward to when your kids are with the other parent.
- Make pick up/drop off a joyful ritual: Picking up and dropping off the kids can be hard if you let it be (of course, you can’t control the other parent here…I realize that). I never want my kids to think that mom is sad though. I don’t want that burden on them. As much as I don’t like their dad, I want them to be both excited to see their dad and excited to see me. So drop off includes jamming out to our favorite music, BIG hugs before they hop out of the car, and a brief exchange with a few more hugs. Pick up time means driving by our favorite flower gardens and heading home to let the kids simply play and reacclimate to our home together. We take it easy at pick up to allow them to ease back into the life they have at our home.
- Remember your why: Sometimes I find myself still feeling sorrowful that I don’t get to see my kids’ entire lives. That for 50% of their daily lives, I am not there to witness them. It’s painful. And it’s painful to think I “chose” this. But when those feelings creep up, I also remind myself where I was just a few short years ago. How terrible of a relationship I was in which in turn meant I was not the mom I wanted to be. I “chose” this life because I want my kids to get the best of me and because I want to provide them with a home that will show them nothing but love. This is the price to pay, but it’s a small price when I consider the alternative.