Triggers & Target Runs

One day you will wake up, and all of a sudden the weight of the last few weeks, months, or even years will be lifted off your shoulders. You can’t control when that day comes. All you can do is stay strong and trust that it is coming.

Author Unknown

I hear so many women talk about their love for Target. I too have a special spot in my heart for that place, though I can’t quite put my finger on why…amazing marketing I suppose.

Like so many other moms out there, I love wandering the aisles with a mocha in hand, shopping only for what I want instead of what’s on my list. A little moment of “self care” as they call it…

Before I left my marriage, I spent a lot of time at Target, wandering the aisles nearly daily. I remember my mom, while chatting on the phone with me, often being surprised I was at Target again. But to me, it was just a normal part of life. I always found a reason to go there.

Didn’t everyone?

Toilet paper was running low.
A toy ran out of batteries. 

We could use some new towels. 

My sandals were looking old.

It wasn’t that I was loaded with unlimited money, but I now realize,

I was always finding a reason to escape my home. 

It’s the same reason I stayed at my job until 5pm even though most of my colleagues left around 2 or 3pm.

When I first moved out, I was pretty broke. I was living off gift cards from family, and I did most of my shopping at Walmart . Any money I had when I moved out was spent on a teeny tiny downpayment for a home, paying for a massive car repair bill, and retaining a lawyer. I had started racking up credit card debt and knew I couldn’t spend anything on “extras.”

So of course, I avoided Target. HA!

I mean, we all know that a run for toilet paper always ends in a $100 bill.

But I finally came to a point where my Walmart gift cards ran out and I needed some things for the house. Target was closer, so I went there. I did my shopping, didn’t buy frivolous things, and headed out to my car.

Sitting in my car, I started to scroll my phone but quickly put it away, grabbed my keys, and started the car to leave. 

I pulled out of the parking space and froze. 

For a split second, just a flash of a moment, a massive wave of dread washed over me.

I felt it deep in my stomach.

 

You see, I thought I needed to turn left. To go back to the home I had with my ex. 

And in that moment, I realized: I had conditioned myself to absolutely dread leaving Target. My body reacted to it before my mind even could.

How freaking terrible was that?!

But that feeling only lasted a moment…because I quickly remembered I got to turn right. 

I got to turn right and head to the home I had created.

The safe place where my boys and I were free to be without judgement. Without worry.

Without guilt or dread.

My new home was freedom. And my body knew it as soon as I turned right.

I’ve never felt that dread leaving Target since. 

The weight and triggers take time to lift. But we don’t even realize what’s weighing us down until we’re out.

I didn’t know that leaving Target was so hard.

Or that putting away leftovers was stressful because he would criticize how I did it.

Or that asking someone to get me a glass of water would be so hard because when asking for a glass of water after my newborn was born, I was told I was lazy.

“Get it yourself.”

Or that crying in front of someone you love could be met with warmth and love instead of anger and coldness. 

We know these things are wrong.

We feel it in our bones. But we don’t know life without them. We don’t know what it’s like to walk around in this world without those tiny heartbreaking moments in our life. The moments that weigh us down, one little ounce at a time until we find ourselves dragging every day to do even the smallest parts of life. We don’t know life without them.

We don’t know, until we let go and leave those moments behind us.